I Cannot See to See

heart_synapse @ 2008-02-23T01:33:00

2008-02-23T06:33:45Z

Dressed to impress
Silk with gold trim
The power of God in the palm of his hand
He has a cougar's smile
And a tiger's appetite
Eyes so blue they'll eat you whole
And spit you back out, dumbfounded and ready to listen
Oh confess, confess and he'll whipe your slate clean
with two bloody hands and gasoline
and a burning candle that dances and gleams
with a pastor's passion and his forgotten dreams

heart_synapse @ 2008-02-23T01:32:00

2008-02-23T06:33:27Z

She breathed heavily with a sobering reality
Little droplets of sweat swam at the corners of her brow
Her hands shook with steady desperation
As her knees buckled loose and her great crown slipped from her raven head
She could smell the blood before it enveloped her with its maternal warmth
And she became the afterbirth of sin
Murder was her midwife
Revenge, the womb which bore her
No more men would whore her
And she would see to that
Reborn now in this crimson skin
Mother Superior, daughter of Sin.

heart_synapse @ 2008-02-23T01:13:00

2008-02-23T06:32:40Z

Hot breath on my neck, cold hands on my chest
smooth sheets engulfing me in ecstacy
sweet words in my ear, wet lips on my mouth
all the while thrusting further and further into enchantment
please god slow this clock and let this moment play out for eternity
let us fall under this spell, never to awake
until the sun boils the sea
until the sky eats the rain
warmth, persperation
no stopping, no hesitation
just my hands and hers, locked and intertwined
like our strings on the spindles of fate
being woven into such marvelous tapestries of love
or lust?
such distinctions are not made in warm beds by pale moonlight
please god, let her be here when i awake

heart_synapse @ 2007-12-06T01:08:00

2007-12-06T06:13:22Z

the return to the pen
is a breath of air
when you finally peirce the surface of the water
and fill your lungs like waterskins
before a long desert journey
the grip is the same smooth, warn material
custom fit to the finger that embrace it
the ink is slick and glides across the page
in a solemn waltz of metaphor and irony
it is as if the sun has been stabbing me
with rays of a thousand burning knives
and in an endless wasteland of derelict desert
i have finally found shade
here i shall rest until my waterskins are dry

heart_synapse @ 2007-11-30T02:31:00

2007-11-30T07:52:55Z

.........and ive completely lost my mind. ive kinda felt it coming on for a while now, ive hinted at it on several occasions, but now i think im actually there. im not the same person i was before, i mean im the same flesh, the same bone, but the mind and the capacity for thought that once occupied it is long gone. someone once said that a strong indicator of telling whether or not you're crazy is the inabillity to ask yourself am i crazy. well, i think i have completely debunked that statement as it is the only question that has been running through my mind for some time now and no matter how many different ways i ask it, i always come to the same conclusion: yes, i have gone completely out of my mind and theres nothing to do about it. for hours at a time i just sit and I write and when i snap out of it i realize what i wrote was just jibberish and nonsense. i dwell on problems i cant fix. i find myself dialing phone numbers of people who i know want nothing to do with me just to hear them say it. just so they can tell me to fuck off. i dont sleep, i rarely eat, i latch on to anyone that shows me the slightest bit of affection and then i scare them away. i find solice in a drink, in a smoke, in anything that gives me something to do with my hands so im not jittery. i go back and i read other peoples old lj entries so i can spark some kind of emotion in myself but its like throwing cool water on hot metal, it sizzles for a second and then returns to normal. i feel without feeling. i want to reach out but theres noone there. i was doing so well and now its like nothing ever happened. the mistakes ive made and the people ive hurt swim around in my head at night, refusing to let me go to sleep. i wake up, i skip class, i go to work, i find some random person to spend time with until my eyelids just get too heavy to stay open then i go home and lie awake and write or more often than not just stare off into space. where are my friends? where are those people who said they would always be there for me? I want so badly to just grab them and scream at them, why did you leave? why did u lie like that? but i know it would be futile. These people have moved on to school and new lovers and friends. its like i never even existed to them. and whats worse is i sit here in such desperate need for a connection and i feel so selfish that i would want to pry someone away from their life just to sit and have coffee with me or even just take a walk. is it really so much to ask? no. but to me i might as well be asking for a million dollars. i mean, lets face it, its not like ive been the nicest person in the world, or the most approachable, i just wish that i knew someone was thinking of me or at the very least remembering me and the way i was before i became what i am now, whatever that may be. at least then id have hope that that part of me is still alive somewhere and not just decaying in this body. im being buried alive by my own mind and i dont think im gonna make it out of this one unscathed. and i know noone is reading this and this is all just bullshit to everyone else, but this is heavier than what im writing. and i just cant take this stress anymore. i know what im capable of in situations like this and im honest to god scared of what i could and might do. my willpower has kept me going this long but its just not enough anymore.

heart_synapse @ 2007-11-24T00:57:00

2007-11-24T06:01:07Z

running fingers through your hair
my mind is wandering
its too unfair
you were right here with me
then I pushed you away
but i forgot to tie you off
so you wouldnt drift to far
and now youre back but on your own accord
and nothing i can say or do can make you stay
i look up at the sky expecting it to fall and
while im distracted the ground falls away
how gullible i am
what i pathetic creature i am
I want that love back in your eyes
but all i see is pity

heart_synapse @ 2007-09-29T18:24:00

2007-09-29T22:28:35Z

so, it happened again. i let someone get too close and i got hurt. it feels like ive waisted 5 months of my life. i know that im supposed to take something away from it, some lesson or something, but thats all it was, a complete and utter waste of my time. i tried so hard to make her forget about him and realize that she had someone who loves her standing right in front of her but in the end she was just too narrow minded, too stubborn. and she made a mistake. well, shame on me for trying so hard. and shame on her for her ignorance. needless to say i really cant deal with this. theres noone to talk to about it, no escape, no way out. i just dont know what to do, i just dont know who to trust or what to believe. i hate this and i hate everything around me. i just want an escape, at the very least a shoulder to cry on.

heart_synapse @ 2007-09-24T01:44:00

2007-09-24T05:48:41Z

tunnel vision
cant read between the lines
only seeing the 6 inches in front of my face
the rest hidden and obscured by reason and thought
when did i learn to live so safely
and disregard my emotion
since that winter night
when she hung up the phone
i just havent been the same
i count my steps
i dont step on the cracks
i look before i jump
from heartbreak to heartbreak
i have become a meek feeble substitution
for the granite statue i used to be
and this soft flesh is so plyable
and this mind is so easily swayed

heart_synapse @ 2007-09-03T23:37:00

2007-09-04T03:42:39Z

i have
i have not
a care or a clue
or a connection higher than my own ego
i strive to lose
and lose to live
and love to lie
and lie to leave
all of the dull happenings
of this mundayne glimpse into the world
mirrors mirrors all around
but not a reflection to be found
broken glass and tattered lungs
litter the moonlit ground

heart_synapse @ 2007-09-03T15:20:00

2007-09-03T19:24:40Z

the vibrant world of sephia and contrast has dispersed itself into mediocrity
all is the smell of burning paper
all is the taste of stale cigarettes
ive been living off burnt coffee and adrenaline highs
never really storing any energy
constantly shifting
never stoic
my limbs are being stretched
i am pangea, being pulled apart by forces stronger than myself
where is my will in this hour of need
where are my tears
break me down and build me back up
held together with rope and tape
put me on strings and dance me around
anything to get me out of this room
anything to get me out in the sun

reject

2007-09-01T07:03:27Z

from tibia to torso
from scapula to platella
from clavical to genitals
and everywhere in between
from rooftops to barstools
from freeways to brothels
from bedrooms to church pews
we all feel the same
from sweet dreams to bitter reality
from hot flashes to cold sweats
from laugh lines to furrowed brow
we all bleed from the same veins
from christ to heroine
from an ounce to an eight ball
from a jog to a fix
we all need the same things
from east to west
from nova scotia to seattle
from sicamores to redwoods
we all breathe the same sweet air
from beating heart to beating heart
from shaking hand to shaking hand
from lurching skin to lurching skin
we are all the flaw in the design

heart_synapse @ 2007-08-31T21:39:00

2007-09-01T01:43:55Z

a saxifrage
a split in the rock
slowly creeping further towards the extremes
mitosis of the earth, a heaving grunting moan

from deep within her molten core
satan himself stands in awe
god just yawns

and the people on the hillside are scared
and hurl themselves into the sea

and the dogs are barking and babies are yelping
and all about is the lurching feeling
of bile arising

and I just drift
away in the wind free from prying eyes and noses
away i go
up and out and all around

satan's jaw just dropped
god just yawns

Jimmy Opened Up His Eyes

2007-09-01T01:39:41Z

Jimmy Opened Up His eyes
to Find a world so Bright and fine
and the frozen light did shine
upon his heaving chest, Keeping time
jimmy opened Up his heart
to find A girl and then he'd Start
to live Like his father
bitter and tart
daily excursions to The liquor mart
jimmy Opened up his mouth
to say three words he could have done without
but always seem to want to sprout from the deepest cavaties of our mouth
jimmy opened up his wrists
and did the job with two clean slits
"cunt, whore, slut, bitch"
were the only words jimmy could spit
Dear Jimmy lies beneath the ground
a bloody mess was all they found
they searched for her all around
she disappeared without a sound

heart_synapse @ 2007-08-12T00:20:00

2007-08-12T04:26:04Z

steady shaking quivering madness
befalls the morning like dew
i stumble, i sway
my brain pounding inside my skull
my joints aching
every inch of me wishes i knew your name
but i have no fucking clue
your face blends together with a thousand other porcelain dolls
your breathing intertwines with the moans and panting of a thousand sleepless nights
and i am so tired of sleeping without closing my eyes
i am so sick of satisfying
but my skin keeps lurching forward
searching for the next big thing
its this or nothing
the lesser of two evils

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-29T22:40:00

2007-06-30T02:45:06Z

leaving on the next flight out
dont know when ill be comin round again
but ill never forget the times we had
out here in the sun

i know you see me soon
watch me round that bend and come back to you again
and everything will be perfect
just like it ought to be

those summer days just burned away
like a brushfire in the wind
little embers are all thats left of what we had

but with that first chill in autumn
ill be home again
and we can pick up right where we left off

so just wait for me here patient Dido on the shore
keep a watchful eye
on the horizon

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-27T14:14:00

2007-06-27T18:16:02Z

flashing blue lights
sirens whizzing about my head
a feeling of nausea
then the still cold feeling
of steel on my wrists

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-25T01:28:00

2007-06-25T05:32:16Z

ive given up the dream
no, ive just woken up
to find my world so full of love
ive given up the fear
that went so perfectly with my malcontent
and the shame that accompanied being so different
now im on a higher road
free of time and thought
where contradiction and second guessing
are the trophies of the day
and the baphomets run with priests
and the sun eats the rain
and every new day is the night's gift to us all

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-24T17:23:00

2007-06-24T21:27:53Z

reckless abandon
malicilous intent
dancing that ever shrinking divide
between sanity and creativity
my life is my brush
the world is my canvas
a picture perfect parody of a picasso portrait
gone horribly and irrevicobly arwy
whats left to say when the ears have been welded shut
whats left to write when the eyes have been blinded by apathy
what is left to feel when the fires char away whats left of this lingering flesh that rests upon my bones

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-24T02:58:00

2007-06-24T07:10:43Z

thislost city
burried under rubble
holds the key
to two lost souls
doomed to be apart till death
where theyll finaly join hands

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-18T02:10:00

2007-06-18T06:12:04Z

the last drop of hope
has dissappated in the sea
and with it go the souls
of two lovers
damned to live apart beneath 20,000 leagues
the pressure is far too strong
this nightmare is far too long

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-18T01:23:00

2007-06-18T05:30:08Z

just what makes you tick?
what is going on beneath those pretty blonde curls?
whats here in front of your eyes is real and concrete
whats here is me down on my knees
gravelling at your feet for some release

youve broken my chains
but all i want is your captivity
I yearn for shackles
i want no other ball and chain
except the one that you secure around my ankles

please restrain me
please hold me back
please keep me in that safe place behind your eyes

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-18T00:04:00

2007-06-18T04:10:21Z

flick your wrist round and round
watch it all come crashing down
and laugh and laugh
oh how you laugh
like a hyenia stealing scraps
from the lions prodigious kill

with your witchcraft
and your trickery
try to push it all away and
on to someone elses plate
and watch them choke it all down
pass the salt
it goes great with these wounds

open your heart
to the sinful nature of the beast
and just accept that there are no bounds
to what you can achieve
with the devil on your side

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-17T23:54:00

2007-06-18T04:01:25Z

lovers lane
a convergence of two roads
deciet and infatuation
where all words spoken
drip with sarcasm and trepidation
and all the little tenny boppers
and their hip gangster poppas
sit in their convertables
and fuck under a starry sky
and theres no feeling
or thought or reason
or the respect that comes with holding anothers skin so close
just lust
only the excitement that acompanies this nights conquest
and all that remains is her smell on his fingertips

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-16T00:03:00

2007-06-16T04:16:19Z

the thrill of living

an impossible dream
life is a lackluster star
broken and incoherent
i dont want to be a part of it
i dont want anything to do with it
how i long for that noose
that razor, that inevitable death rattle
i pray each night beside my bed
for a means to this end
for stronger resolve to go out with some dignity
to lose all is to gain all
that blinding enlightenment
in that moment when your last breath is drawn
and you see the faces of those who came before
each whispering secrets in your ear
and like an infant you are born again
into complete sublimity and nonexistance
a dark pass lit by the thoughts of a million dreamers

i am the sandman
i am the candyman
i am everything i cannot be
and everything you want
i am the time keeper
i am the shop keeper
pedling my whares to children on the street
i am the moth to the candle
i am the needle in your vein
getting you high on such sweet junk
i am the skylark
i am the piper
follow my lead
like sheep to the slaughter

i cannot, will not digress or regress
or change the shape that i have taken
i will not fold to your weaker hand
or call your foolish bluff
my life is at the bitter end
and i leave no successor to my ills
no benefactor to sell my lies or my sins

i die but am reborn
with every looming sunrise
i kill but i am forgiven
for every broken heart
i am redeemable
but noone seems to notice or care
its inconcievable
how many faces have passed me by
ghost in fog
like a ghost in fog i sway and dance
and sing my songs of far off lands
of a king and queen
and the space between
their interlocking hands

heart_synapse @ 2007-06-15T22:00:00

2007-06-16T02:02:40Z

asleep
death sneaking up on me
seeping in through my windows
with his hand outstretched
ready to throttle my throat
and leave me to atone for all my sins
i fear that i will not make it through the night
i wont be here when you wake up
another smoking candle
another poet in the ground